The train of life...and questioning thyself

So I started a journey of self discovery through painting and exercise, what a strange combo. Of course, among house chores, husband chores and yes, the PhD, it may have been a bit too much to take on at once (did I mention I moved to a bigger, more expensive house as well?).

Let me explain, I started waking up at 7am and exercising for about one hour in the living room almost everyday. Felt awesome afterwards, so full of energy and so hungry!!! After the first month, exercise was gone (note how I deflect my own responsibility about it, hehehe) but I continued with the diet, after the second month, I followed portions, but not exactly the diet and exercise... mmm... I just got "busy", but hey, I continued painting :-)  I felt as if I have fallen off the motivation wagon, I felt crap.

My PhD was also getting more and more tangled, was I looking at one complex and bigger question? or at three simpler questions with three different methods at the same time? What is my "contribution"? So many doubts, I see my contribution as in methods, but would examiners see it this way as well? I fell I brought back (some) sense to the whole research method. Talking to people as opposed to sending them long surveys with the hope they will answer, sometime, somehow... Looking for farmers at farmers' events and not organising 'artificial workshops' where only a few participate.

I guess, I am going through the self-doubt phase. I have started missing deadlines, questioning myself about everything 'academic' and at the same time, my paintings just got better and better. Can you see a correlation here? Am I expressing my numerical 'frustrations' with STATA and Nlogit into the freedom of pure colour? Am I abusing burnt sienna and cobalt blue, adding too much yellow cadmium to my trees of life? Am I using colours as my preferred channel of expression? Not sure what is going on. But I managed to paint the train, the train of life that goes nowhere and everywhere. It has everything I need, strength and mistery, it goes forward and it is mine.

Less grams, painting more...

Week 2 of the 12wbt "challenge", crazy things to report. On the downside, I was being attacked by headaches at 3.30pm for about 4 days. The reason? Unknown but apparently, this happened to many girls in the 12wbt program. Maybe it's our bodies craving for sugar, fat and all those evil yummy things....like...somebody said Coke??? I have not had one for 2 weeks!!! Yay! (but I did have a sip of Sprite and didn't taste too good).

Anyhow, I have followed the diet as hard as I could, but of course, mixing and matching, modifying, updating, adapting... Adding Peruvian condiments like "Aji panca" instead of chilli (I hate chilli),  avoiding beans at night and onions (not good for me). The good thing is that there is one diet-free night for a treat meal and one day free of exercise. But even if I wanted to be naughty with the diet, I was invited to a friend's b'day and she happens to have a veggie garden. The result? One amazing tasty healthy meal!

So the week progressed with 'weight-in' day and I realized that I am 200 grams heavier that the end of week 1 (when i was 800 grams lighter)... but the good news, according to my scale, is that those 200 g are pure muscle! WHAT!!!! So quickly? I hope that thing is accurate, but even if it is not +/- 100g, I got 100g of muscle to show for. I am happy!
...and happier, today, I started my watercolour painting again. I am not good at them, but I love painting, and I love beginning something and finishing it at one go. So today, I met Ray Barnett, famous watercolourist and this is what I did .

He said I got guts to do it.... I wonder if that means it looks great, it is different or it looks horrible. I like it though, I find it a bit dirty or very dirty for a watercolour, but hey, I haven't painted for like 2 or 3 years.... so, ...alright, no EXCUSES.

Tomorrow, I hope I have the same painting drive to tackle PhD data entry. I will think 'watercolours are waiting for you on Thursday', which happens to be MY weight-in day.
C'est la... until next time....:)

A trip to my inner-self...through my outer-self

Dear Michelle,

It is really hard for me to do this. It could be the first time I have to declare in front of the entire world that I can and I will change the bad habits of being a book worm, staring at my computer, reading too much online and on the way leaving my body behind.

Yesterday, 9th February 2013,
at the Multicultural Festival, Canberra

I never really worried too much about it. Seriously, I was young and fearless, I climbed Mt. Kenya with no preparation in 2005, it was hard, but I did it. I have done hours of trekking getting only slightly sore afterwards. But that was then, 8 years ago or more. I am now 34, have a full time office job (AKA PhD) and I have almost completely forgotten I have a body to keep happy as well. This body is talking to me, stand up, stop typing (yes, now!), walk more, stretch please...stop drinking Coke, stop eating comfort food, just stop it!!!. My back hurts after sitting all day, my arms as well. So how did this happen? One day I was thinking, how can a person so driven by knowledge like myself can just forget about her temple, her body. How I can be so excited with scientific papers to read and  will back away from exercise so easily?
I have tried but trying is rubbish, is not doing, is not changing.
I tried attending the gym, it lasted 1.5 months.
I tried Zumba, 5 classes.
I tried posture and flexibility, maybe 6 classes
I tried sh'bam... 3 classes?
So you see, trying is rubbish. I just have to do and to remind myself when I was doing things, with my body, nice workouts, the good old days that I woke up at 6am to get to my tae-bo class (and I was the only student). The time that I will finish my work at 5pm and go for a swim or the time when I used to come cycling to uni in Canberra.

Now I do yoga, at least once a week. Now I walk to the bus stop. Now I do. So now, I have enrolled in the 12wbt and I hope that it helps me remember that I have a mind that lives in a body and that I have to feed my body not only food, but good food, and exercises, and make them part of my  daily routine. Just the same way as I type and type, read and read, and login in to facebook to catch up with my friends all around the world, I will take care of myself and start the journey today.

Yours,
Sandra